Drama on Court · Lesson 5

The Partner Check

Your partner sighs. Within about two seconds, your brain has written a whole story.

Try it on a real moment

Four questions, then back to your side

Pick the partner who’s getting to you. An example is loaded. Tap through the questions and get back to your side.

The partner momentExample

Doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t need to.

What actually happened?

Just the facts.

What happened

She sighed.

That’s what happened. Everything else is interpretation.

Your recap

My Partner Check

My partner
The Sigher
What happened
She sighed.
My brain added
She’s mad at me.She thinks I’m terrible.
Handed back
Nothing yet. Hand hers back in question 3.
Action?
No. Let her have her experience.
Your job

Let her have her experience without climbing inside it with her.

Back to my side. My one tennis job

Watch the ball.

Hers is hers. Mine is mine.

The tool

The four questions

When you feel yourself getting hooked by your partner, ask four questions.

  1. 1

    What actually happened?

    Just the facts. “She said, Come on, let’s go.” That’s what happened. Everything else is interpretation.

  2. 2

    What am I making it mean?

    Her sigh means she’s mad at me? Her coaching means she doesn’t trust me? Notice what your brain added.

  3. 3

    What’s hers, and what’s mine?

    Her experience is hers. Your response is yours.

  4. 4

    Does this require action?

    If it’s affecting your ability to play, it may. If she’s just having a crappy day, your job is to let her have her experience without climbing inside it with her.

    • Yes. I need to say something.
    • No. Let her have her experience.
Then

Back to my side

Turn toward the court, away from her if you need to. One long exhale. Touch your strings. Feel your feet on the ground. Then give yourself one tennis job. Not seven.

  • Move your feet.
  • Go crosscourt.
  • Watch the ball.

Scripts

What to say when it’s affecting play

The Coach

“I know you’re trying to help. I don’t want coaching during the match.”

The Ball Hog

“Let’s call the middle. I’ll take mine on the forehand side.”

The Silent One

“Hey, stay with me. We’re fine.”

The Arguer

“I’m going to let that one go. Let’s play.”

Your reset

Back to my side.

Say it to yourself

Hers is hers. Mine is mine.

Move your attention from “What is she doing?” to “What am I doing with this next ball?”

Remember this
  • Notice what happened versus what your brain added.
  • We judge others by character and ourselves by circumstance. That’s the attribution trap.
  • Hers is hers: her mood, her frustration, her opinion. Mine is mine: my effort, my attitude, my next point.
  • Back to My Side doesn’t mean stay quiet. Sometimes you say something first.
  • Being connected to someone isn’t the same as being responsible for her.

Take it home

On the drive home

Answer these in the car, or text them to yourself.

  1. 1

    A partner moment I’m still carrying.

  2. 2

    What did I make it mean?