Drama on Court · Lesson 4

Don’t Chase the Reaction

You said the thing. Calm, clear and kind. Then she gave you the “Fine.” You know the fine.

Try it on a real moment

The moment after you say it

An example from the lesson is loaded. Walk it through the four steps, or tap anything to make it yours.

You saidExample

“I don’t want coaching during the match.”

What you did NOT say“You’re a terrible partner.”

She gave you

Said like it is absolutely not fine.

Let it sit.

Take an exhale. Pick up the balls. Walk back to your position. Let three seconds go by where nobody fixes anything.

Three seconds. Nobody fixes anything.

Your recap

The moment after

I said
“I don’t want coaching during the match.”
She gave me
The “Fine.”
I let it sit
Three seconds. Nobody fixes anything.
I caught myself
“Are you okay?” · “I’m sorry if...”
I checked myself
Yes, both.
So
Let her have her reaction.
Say

“Thanks for hearing me.”

To yourself

Her reaction is information, not a verdict.

Screenshot it. Read it before your next match.

The tool

The four steps

In this order, the moment the energy changes.

  1. 1

    Let it sit.

    Take an exhale. Pick up the balls. Walk back to your position. Let three seconds go by where nobody fixes anything.

  2. 2

    Notice how you chase.

    • “Are you okay?”
    • “I didn’t mean...”
    • “I just wanted to explain...”
    • “I’m sorry if...”
    • Making a joke
    • Taking it back
  3. 3

    Check yourself, not her face.

    Was what I needed reasonable? Did I communicate it in a way I’m proud of?

    • Yes, both
    • Not really
  4. 4

    Own only what’s yours.

    If yes, let her have her reaction. If not, that’s useful information. Maybe your tone was sharp or you waited six games too long. Own that part, and apologize for what you actually want to own, not because the energy changed.

Scripts

What to say, and not say

Instead of “Are you okay?”

Nothing. Pick up the balls. Walk back.

Instead of “I’m sorry if...”

“Thanks for hearing me.”

If you were sharp

“I said that more sharply than I meant to. The request stands.”

To yourself

“Her reaction is information, not a verdict.”

Your reset

Don’t chase the reaction.

Say it to yourself

Her reaction is information, not a verdict. I can care without leaving myself.

Not every uncomfortable moment requires repair. Sometimes nothing is broken. She just didn’t like what you said.

Remember this
  • Asking for what you need is not an insult.
  • Disapproval registers like real pain. That’s why you want to chase it.
  • The spotlight effect: she’s thinking about it far less than you are.
  • Let three seconds pass where nobody fixes anything.
  • Check yourself, not her face. Own only what’s yours.

Take it home

On the drive home

Answer these in the car, or text them to yourself.

  1. 1

    Can somebody be unhappy with me and I remain okay?

  2. 2

    Where am I practicing this?